Reluctant to Feel
by MysticalWeb
Summary: Abused as a child, Kakashi finds it hard to trust or love anyone. It’s difficult for him to express his feelings and emotions the exact opposite of Sakura. Can she bring out the sentimental side in him or will she give up on him, like all the others have?


Just a Little Note

Hey everyone! I hope that you will like this story. Please review, the more reviews I get the faster I'll get the second chapter up. I appreciate criticism and would love for you to suggest some ideas as I am seriously stuck!!

Well…without further ado, I bring to you Reluctant to Feel

Kakashi tossed and turned in his bed, whimpering slightly. He began mumbling incomprehensible words as his nightmare became worse.

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"_You worthless whore!" the man shouted, bringing his arm down._

_The sound of flesh hitting flesh echoed through the room. Tears ran down the woman's face as blood began rushing to her face, creating a distinct red handprint. Again and again the man hit the woman on the floor, making the little boy, hiding in the corner, cry hysterically._

"_Mum!" the little boy screamed out, running to his mother's side. "Stop! Leave her alone!" he sobbed, standing in front of his mother in an attempt to protect her from his aggressive father who was repeatedly beating her._

_The man's face began turning red, a vein on his forehead began throbbing. _

"_Who do you think you are?!" the man bellowed at the little boy, his anger obvious. _

"_You and you're mother are useless! You're just an ugly, good-for-nothing son of a bitch and your mother is a whore! A dirty, lying, sleazy WHORE!" the man shouted, his face so closed to the little boy that he could smell the odour of the garlicky dish he had eaten for dinner. _

"_Don't call my mother a whore! She's better than you any day! You're a monster! Nobody likes you!" the boy shouted, unaware of the danger he was in._

"_You little bastard!" the man's face became redder and redder as he became angrier. He swung an arm at the little boy. _

"_No! Don't hurt Hatake!" the little boy's mum pleaded. _

_She was too late. The man's hairy arm contacted with the boy's body, the sound of bones shattering was like music to the little boy's father. He grinned widely as he watched the kid fly for a few seconds. But those seconds were short lived. His body thumped loudly as he crashed into the wall. He groaned in agony as his body slumped down. _

"_Hatake!" he heard a voice shout. It was the last thing he heard before darkness consumed him._

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Kakashi woke up in a puddle of sweat. His eyes were wet with tears and his arm hurt, as if remembering the way it had been shattered that awful day so long ago. Sorrow overwhelmed him as memories of his mother's death came to mind. He had found his mother lying, naked, on the ground, covered in blood. Her legs had been spread opened and there was a hole in the middle of her forehead.

Tears rolled down Kakashi's face as he recalled the way he had crawled over to his mother and laid next to her. He had been naïve. He had believed that his mother was just asleep and that she would wake up in a few hours and then everything will be back to normal again. The pain and sadness would go away and they would live happily ever after, away from his barbaric father.

But she never did, she stayed cold and still as the night went on.

Kakashi remembered the anger he had felt when he finally understood what his father had done to his mother. She was gone forever because of him, he would never see her again. Never again would he be able to run to his mother's warm, comforting arms when he was upset. Never would he be able to see her smile happily at his achievements. His tears fell quicker as he remembered the good times he had with his mother.

Though she may not have been the best mother a child could have, she was certainly the most hardworking one. Day after day she would go off to work and night after night she would come home wearily but always with a smile on her face. She had loved Kakashi and that was all that matter to him.

Panic and disorder followed the discovery of Kakashi and his dead mother. People didn't know what to do, they couldn't understand what he was going through. They couldn't understand the pain and suffering he would have to live with for the rest of his life.

Handed over to the authorities, they struggled to find him a home. The next few years consisted of him moving from one house to another.

"There's nothing wrong with him or anything…he's a great kid! But he's just too quiet!" they would all complain as they returned him to the orphanage, like unwanted goods.

Everyone had given up on him, they gave up on finding him a home and they gave up on making him talk. He had spent years in silence, he didn't know how to overcome the terror he had been faced with, he just didn't know what to do.

Kakashi shook his head in an attempt to clear his mind of the horrible memories.

'No! That's one trip down memory lane that I will _not _take!' he told himself determinately. Looking at his clock, Kakashi groaned. Though it was only 5am he knew that he would not be able to go back to sleep. With a sigh he walked to the bathroom and took a long, hot, blistering shower.

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_Dear residents, _

_Due to the sighting of a cockroach, the pest control company, Buginator, will be coming in tomorrow. All residents are required to leave and stay somewhere else for the next 7 days._

_Sorry for the inconvenience_

_Yours truly,_

_Tonara Muruka _

"Shit! Where am I suppose to stay?" Sakura shouted, scrunching up the note in her hand. 'That's what I get for living in an apartment with a landlord who's afraid of bugs!' she thought angrily as she began thinking of people she would be able to stay with.

'Naruto? No way! Who knows what sleazy things he'll do!' she thought as an image of Naruto kissing her came to mind, making her shudder.

Sakura only had a few possible candidates left by the time she got to the bottom of the list she had written. Frowning slightly, she set off to Ino's place. They had made peace with one another a while ago but Sakura still felt uncomfortable at the thought of asking Ino for help.

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"Sorry Sakura but I'm moving out tomorrow. Shikamaru asked me to move in with him." Ino said apologetically when Sakura explained her situation.

"Well…congratulations!" Sakura said awkwardly, forcing a smile on her face.

"Thanks! I'm so lucky. Shikamaru can be really cautious sometimes, but I love that about him. You should get yourself a boyfriend too, Sakura." Ino said dreamily.

"Um... bye! I've got to go hunt down a place to stay" Sakura said before leaving hastily, not wanting to be caught up in a conversation about how she needs a boyfriend.

Sakura spend most of the day searching, unsuccessfully, for a place to stay. Even Naruto's apartment was occupied and with the sky darkening quickly, Sakura was becoming more and more desperate.

'Am I really such a loser? If only I have more money! Then I could just stay at a hotel instead of listening to everyone comment about how I should get a boyfriend.' Sakura thought gloomily, walking down a street purposelessly.

"Yo!" a voice said, breaking Sakura's concentration.

"Huh? Oh hey sensei" she said as she spotted Kakashi sitting on his balcony reading another Icha Icha book. Sakura was about to walk away when she had an idea.

"Uh oh!" Kakashi muttered quietly when he saw the glint that had appeared in Sakura's eyes.

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"Please sensei?" Sakura pleaded, giving him a look that could turn the strongest of all men into quivering puppies, eager to do her bidding.

"Sakura…" Kakashi said in desperation, running a hand through his hair absently. Whatever he was about to say was forgotten when he saw Sakura blinking her large green eyes at him innocently, her mouth in a slight pout. Kakashi struggled for control but soon proved to be powerless against Sakura's expression.

"Oh…alright!" he said in defeat, mentally cursing himself for greeting Sakura.

"Yay!" Sakura shouted, throwing her arms around Kakashi.

"Thank you!" she said to him before turning around to look at his apartment, which was unfortunately, not looking its best. Sakura turned to face Kakashi, an eyebrow cocked. Kakashi at least had the decency to look sheepish.

"I'm going back to my apartment to pick up some of my things." Sakura said after a long pause. As soon as the door was shut, Kakashi went into a frenzy, trying to clean up his apartment as quickly as he could.

Outside, Sakura's ears were pressed against the door. She had to stifle her laughter when she heard Kakashi mumbling grumpily while trying to make his apartment liveable.

'How knew Kakashi cares so much' she thought smiling happily.

Sakura was still smiling when she reached her apartment.

When she was satisfied that she had packed everything that she would need for the next few days, Sakura used some of her super strength to carry her over filled suitcase back to Kakashi's apartment.

If Kakashi was shocked at how much belongings she had brought, he didn't show it. He did, however, protest when she began placing feminine objects around his apartment. 'Hey! My apartment doesn't smell!' he complained when she placed an air refreshener on his table.

Sakura simply looked at him pointedly and continued her project of making his place liveable.

Knowing that there was nothing he could do to stop her, Kakashi headed to his fridge in search of food. Unfortunately for him, his fridge was empty.

"Impressive! Your fridge is actually clean and free of mouldy food! Free of _any_ food for that matter!" Sakura said smirking.

"Come on, let's go to the market. I'll cook us dinner!"

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"And what do you call that?" Kakashi said when he saw the gunk on his plate.

"It looks terrible but it's actually taste really good. I call it 'Sakura's Special'!" Sakura said chirpily.

Not wanting to hurt her feelings, Kakashi took a tentative nibble of Sakura's Special.

"Mmm…this actually tastes good!" he said in surprise.

"Told you so!"

Pleased that he liked it, Sakura began digging in to her own plate of 'Sakura's Special'. Within 5 minutes, their plates were spotless and their stomachs were satisfied.

Not wanting to be stuck with the dishes, Kakashi retreated to the living room and began reading his book and ignoring Sakura's demands for him to do the dishes. He smiled slightly under his mask when she gave a small cry and headed back to the kitchen to do the dishes.

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"I'm going to sleep now sensei!" Sakura said before heading to the bedroom.

She got out her pyjamas and toothbrush and went to the bathroom. When she got back to the bedroom, she found Kakashi lying on the bed reading.

"Where am I supposed to sleep?" she asked, dressed in shorts and a singlet.

Kakashi shrugged and went back to reading his book.

Disliking being ignored, Sakura sashayed over to Kakashi, smiling seductively.

Kakashi lifted a brow, this was clearly not how he thought she would behave.

Sakura focused her chakra towards her hands and shoved Kakashi lightly, making him fly off the bed. Sakura quickly climbed on to the bed and slid in between the sheets.

"Ow!" Kakashi complained, rubbing his head where a bump was forming.

"Oops!" she said, smiling sweetly at him.

Without warning, Kakashi jumped on to the bed and began wrestling with Sakura. Using her super strength, Sakura soon had him pinned down.

"Give up?" she asked him, panting slightly.

"Not a chance"

Suddenly Kakashi dropped down from the ceiling, on top of Sakura.

"A clone!" Sakura said in surprise as the Kakashi she had pinned down vanish in a puff of smoke.

"That's right! Your turn to give up!"

Before she could use her super strength, Kakashi sat on her and performed a few complicated hand signs. Sakura cried out in surprise when ropes began binding her arms and legs to the bed posts, immobilising her.

"Hey! No fair!" she protested as she strained against the rope.

"It's no use, they're ninja ropes. They won't break or loosen. Give up?"

Sakura nodded, knowing that she was defeated.

"You can sleep on the couch" Kakashi said cheerfully as he performed the hand signs that would release Sakura from the ropes.

Sakura sighed at her sudden freedom and slid out of Kakashi's bed, blushing when she looked down. One of the straps of her singlet had slipped down her shoulder during their tussle and was now revealing part of her breast. With a gasp, Sakura quickly tugged the strap back to place, missing the look on Kakashi's face.

Hiding his emotions, Kakashi's eyes hardened and he turned around.

"I'll go get you a pillow and a blanket" Kakashi said frostily.

"Um…ok. Thanks" Sakura said, the tips of her mouth turned down into a slight frown.

'Is it just me or did his attitude just change?' Sakura thought, puzzled at Kakashi's sudden coldness.

'It's probably nothing Sakura, you're just imagining things again.'

Putting the episode down to her imagination, Sakura soon became her happy, cheerful self again.

She joined Kakashi in the living room and was surprised to find that he had rolled out the couch into a small bed with the pillow and blanket set up nicely. Sakura yawned, stretching her body tiredly. "Thanks" she mumbled, her eyelids beginning to droop with weariness.

"Night sensei"

"Night Sakura"

Kakashi walked to the door, about to switch off the lights.

"Wait!" Sakura shouted, bolting out of bed.

She dashed to Kakashi's bedroom and began rummaging through her red suitcase. Kakashi leaned lazily against the doorway, curious about what she was looking for. Sakura began mumbling, her voice muffled.

"There!" she shouted happily, pulling out a scruffy teddy bear which she promptly hugged.

Kakashi lifted a brow, demanding an explanation.

"Night!" Sakura said, disregarding his expression.

"Could you please move? You're blocking my path." she asked when he didn't budge from the doorway.

"Oh alright!" she said, running a hand through her hand in frustration.

"Muesli's my favourite teddy. I had him since I was little"

"Muesli?"

"It was all I would eat" she said with a shrug.

Reluctantly, Kakashi shifted aside slightly, an amused look on his face.

Realising that he wasn't going to move any further, Sakura ducked under his arm and went quickly out the door, brushing his chest slightly as she went.

Contented, Sakura snuggled into her bed and was soon asleep.

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A scream jolted Sakura from her sleep. Drowsiness blurred her mind, slowing her down but when she heard a whimper coming from Kakashi's room she ran quickly to see what was wrong. Arming herself with her kunai, Sakura threw open the door and switched the light on. Sakura shield her eyes against the harsh light blinking to adjust to the sudden brightness.

"Kakashi sensei?" she said uncertainly when she found the room empty.

Kakashi was curled up in the middle of the bed, his sheets tangled around him. Sakura shivered as a blast of cool air entered the room. All thoughts of closing the window was forgotten when Kakashi began whimpering in fear. Anxiety leaped into Sakura's mind, never had she seen her teacher look so…afraid.

"Kakashi sensei?" she said shaking her teacher gently in an attempt to rouse him from his sleep.

"Kakashi sensei!" she repeated louder, shaking him more vigorously.

Kakashi began attacking Sakura, clawing at her face fiercely.

A sob escaped from Sakura's throat, "Sensei!" she shouted in fear, tears running down her face. 

Suddenly Kakashi's movement ceased.

"Sa…Sakura?" he mumbled in confusion, blinking his eyes wearily to rid his mind of sleep.

"You're crying" he said, cupping her face in his hands.

Sakura stared down at the ground, unable to stop the flow of tears.

"Shhh... It's ok" Kakashi said soothingly, gently wiping her tears away with his thumbs.

Sakura hiccupped.

"I…I was afraid" she said, hugging Kakashi tightly, "I was afraid for you"

Kakashi held Sakura tighter against him as she started trembling.

"I'm okay now. It was only a nightmare." He said, mildly surprised that his fear had caused such a reaction in Sakura.

Kakashi continued to embrace Sakura until her tears ceased. Sakura lifted her face, her teary eyes dark with passion. Kakashi's eye scanned her face, taking in her large green eyes and enticing lips. When his gaze fell upon a cut on her chin, he stiffened.

"You're wounded... I hurt you" he said softly, tracing the cut lightly with his finger.

"Oh that! It's nothing, don't worry about it. I'll take care of it." Sakura said, running her fingers over the cut covered in dried blood. Like magic, the cut disappeared.

"What was your nightmare about sensei? What was it that made you so scared?" Sakura asked sitting up to face Kakashi.

"I wasn't that scared….was I?" Kakashi asked scratching his head. Sakura nodded her head and wiped the last of the tears away.

"You were whimpering and screaming. And when I tried to wake you up, you started to attack me." She said honestly.

Kakashi winced, he hadn't known that he cried out in his sleep.

"Are you sure you want to know? It isn't exactly a happy story."

Sakura nodded.

"I want to know more about you sensei."

"Alright, I'll start from the beginning."

Kakashi didn't know whether it was her tears or his need for comfort that made him tell her the truth but from the look on her face, he knew that he had done the right thing.

"Marriage was something my mother had no control over, her husband had been chosen for her years before she was born. She had no say in the matter, to disagree would bring shame to her family's name. My mother was a beautiful, kind hearted person who was loved by many. She believed in the good of everyone and thought that, with a little bit of love, even the evilest of all people, would change. She was too naïve and innocent, no one had ever told her that some people would never change, no matter how much love they received, because their heart was too black and evil. To change, one has to be willing to change and unfortunately, my father was _not_ willing to change."

"He was an alcoholic, he would return home drunk, night after night. If alcohol was the root of his evilness, his hatred for my mother was the water that fed it and allowed it to grow."

"She continued to believe that perhaps, with a little bit of love, he would change. But he didn't. In fact, he got worst." Kakashi said after a pause.

Tears prickled at the back of his eyes but he blinked them back.

"My father began beating my mother but still she didn't leave him. Like my grandmother, my mother was a traditionalist. She believed that marriage was forever and that a divorce was the greatest offence one could bring upon her family. "It's a wife's job to make the marriage work" she would say whenever I questioned her. Night after night my mother would endure the pain, denying any accusations that he was beating her. She would find herself covered with bruises every morning but she hid them. She wore clothing that covered every inch of her body and would decline invitations to go out, making excuses about having to stay at home. Perhaps some people knew about my abusive father, maybe they heard him beating her repeatedly or her cries of pain, but no one ever said or did anything. My father was a well known shinobi, no one dared to defy him. My mother didn't say or do anything either. She continued to do everything she could to please him, cooking his favourite food, having sex with him whenever he wanted." Kakashi laughed bitterly, there was no humour in his voice.

"When my mother got pregnant, my father stopped hitting her. He spent more time with her and began acting like a husband, buying her flowers and chocolates. She was ecstatic, she thought that my birth would change him for the better. But she was wrong. He went back to his old ways a week after I was born. One day, someone said that they thought they saw my mother out with another man. When my father heard of this he became very angry, he accused my mother of being a whore and broke her arm and jaw. People began to gossip about how my mother was covered in bruises when she was put in hospital. Rumours began spreading about my father beating his wife. To prove that the rumours were lies, my father apologised to my mother. He visited her everyday at the hospital, often bringing her flowers and balloons, he acted nicer than he ever had. But like they say, old habits die hard. I got to give him credit though, he lasted longer this time, 3 years to be exact. When he began hitting me, my mother couldn't take anymore of his destructive behaviour. While he was sleeping one night, she took me and ran, away from him and the village. It was pointless. Though he was a lot of things, my father was not a quitter. He looked for her weeks after weeks, searching villages nearby. My mother moved from one village to another, determined to keep me safe. After two months, my father disappeared. There was no news of him, no one had seen him. Hearing this, my mother relaxed and began settling down."

Kakashi paused, the memories still hurt, even after all those years.

"We were celebrating my fourth birthday when he suddenly showed up at our front door. My mother had brought me a cake and was singing happy birthday to me when someone knocked on the door. My mother opened it without checking who it was first, she didn't know of the horrors that awaited her."

Kakashi could still remember the way his mother's smile had disappeared, the colour draining out of her face.

"My father came in and began beating her. I tried to stop him but he was too strong. He tossed me aside like I was nothing. I blacked out when I hit the wall. When I woke up my mother was dead. The bastard had fucked her then shot her in the head." Kakashi said, anger seeping into his voice, replacing the sorrow.

"He escaped without any punishment, they couldn't prove that he had killed my mother. I spent the next few years of my life in an orphanage, no one wanted me. I grew up like Sasuke, all I thought about was killing my father, torturing him like he had to my mother. When I finally found him, I was too late, he was dead. "Passed away in his sleep" they had said. I couldn't forgive myself after that. The only person that loved me was dead and I couldn't even avenge her." Kakashi said furiously, angry at his worthlessness.

"You must think I'm pretty useless…right?"

Kakashi looked up, wanting to know what she thought of him, secretly needing her to accept him.

Sakura reached out for Kakashi, embracing him.

"It's ok, you know. It's ok to cry sometimes. Let it all out, I won't tell anyone. I promise" she mumbled into Kakashi's hair.

Kakashi's eyes widened slightly, surprised at her words. Comforted by her warmth, he began to cry. He cried for his lost, for all the pain and sadness in his life.

Sakura stroked Kakashi's soft silvery hair absently.

'No one deserves a childhood like that' she thought sadly.

'No wonder he finds it hard to trust others.' Her own tears began falling.

They spend hours like that, crying in each others arms. Even after they had both stopped crying they continued to hug each other, reluctantly to let go.

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Slowly, Kakashi eased back.

"I'm ok now, thank you."

"Sensei?"

"Hmm?"

"Will you let me see your face? Without the mask?" Sakura asked softly.

Kakashi looked into her eyes. Seeing the tenderness there, he nodded. He reached back and undid the knot that held his mask in place. It flew to the ground like a feather, leaving his face bare and naked.

Sakura gasped in surprise. Marvelled by his handsome face, she reached out her quivering hands and framed his face. She stroked his flawless face slowly, as if afraid that he would break with the slightest rushed movement. Her curious fingers caress his nose before moving on to his mouth. Sakura didn't notice that Kakashi had stopped breathing and was holding very still as she stroked his face. She was fascinated by his lips, soft like velvet, not too thin or too full. His lips were parted, showing her a hint of his perfect white teeth.

Suddenly Kakashi's mouth opened, drawing her finger in, sucking gently. Sakura gasped at the sudden sensation but before she could say or do anything, Kakashi turned away.

"Sorry, I don't know what came over me" he said huskily, his voice making Sakura's skin tingle.

An awkward silence filled the room, making Sakura uncomfortable.

'I've got to say something, anything!' she thought but before she could say anything, Kakashi spoke, beating her to it.

"I know you're tired Sakura. You can go to sleep now, no point staying here with me. I'm not going to be able to sleep anyway."

"But it's only 3am, sensei!"

"Doesn't matter, I'll just have nightmares again if I sleep."

"I know! I could sleep with you!"

Kakashi turned and gave Sakura a strange look, making her puzzled. She blushed as she realised the meaning of what she had just said.

"Not in that way!" she exclaimed, staring at the ground, squirming under his gaze.

"I meant that we could move the couch up here…maybe you'll sleep better if you weren't alone…"

Kakashi nodded slightly before getting up and walking to the living room. He returned shortly with the sofa-bed and placed it across from his bed.

"Thanks sensei"

"Why do you do that?"

"Do what?" Sakura said, baffled.

"Why do you still call me sensei when I haven't been your teacher in more than 3 years?" Sakura blinked innocently

"I still feel that there's a lot that I can learn from you." She said simply, oblivious to Kakashi's frustration.

"I'm no longer your teacher, we are both Jounins now. You don't need to call me sensei any longer."

"What do I call you then?"

"Why don't you try just calling me Kakashi?"

"But Naruto still call you Kakashi sensei…" Sakura argued.

"Sasuke calls me Kakashi"

"But…alright….Kakashi…" Sakura said fighting the urge to say sensei.

"I don't know….it feels like something is missing when I just say Kakashi…but if you prefer it…" she mumbled

"Thank you, Sakura"

"Well...Night!" Sakura said climbing into bed.

"Night"

Cuddling Muesli, Sakura soon fell asleep.

"Thank you Sakura" Kakashi whispered, smiling at the sleeping figure across from him.

For the first time in ages, Kakashi fell asleep peacefully, dreaming of a certain pink haired kunoichi instead of his mother's death.

Just A Little Note To End It All

Thanks for reading my story! Hope you liked it! I know I changed a few things from Naruto, like Kakashi's father, but I had to change them to fit in with my story.

Be patient, I'll try to get the next chapter up as soon as I come up with an idea…

_Please_ review and tell me what you think of my story.

Until next time! ♥


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